So...we have closed Grapes and struck the set. The costumes are packed away and the props returned to the closet for their next use. I was so honored to be a small part of this important and amazing show--honored to have so many friends who love me and put up with my own special brand of insanity--honored to have gifts that I can share in many, many ways--blessed to have family that love and support me (hi, Mom!) --but mostly, I am so lucky to have a second chance at this rich, thick, amazing, important, tedious, lovely, happy, God-given life. Knowing how lucky I am makes it even better. Knowing that some of you out there love me makes it even richer.
As I was driving home Q called to talk about Torchwood and Julia's concert in May and all of the things happening in Dallas and he pointed out kindly that I don't often receive the love from the people in my life. All of the love from my family and friends that I tend to take for granted--well, not take for granted, but I don't always acknowledge that I know I am loved. I appreciate this feedback more than Q will ever know. I KNOW that people love me, but I think I am afraid that if I acknowledge the bounty of love in my life that it might go away. Now, I know that is crazy, unhealthy thinking--but it is there--at the core of who I am. How to fix that? It will take time--but at least I know that I am not broken and that I am loved by lots and lots and lots of people. Know what? I love them all more than they could ever know!
PAX
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2 comments:
Dear Paulie,
What I was trying to say most, was that I think you have a hard time synthesizing and realizing the love that we all feel for you, as if we're just being polite and you don't really believe that you're worthy of being loved. I was trying to make certain you felt it in you bones when we all say how proud and happy we are with what you're doing with your life, not because we didn't love you before, but loving the new you is just so much more fun, dammit! So when one of us tells us we love you don't dismiss us as if we're checking you out at Wal-Mart and saying "Have a Nice Day!" We mean it!!!! And my daughter loves you, too.
Thanks, Q!
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